Arranged introductions

Contrary to popular perception, arranged marriages have a fraction of the divorce rate of conventional love matches. Reva Seth tries to make sense of the institution called marriage in Asian communities in her book First Comes Marriage. Over to Mathures Paul

Finding Mr Right is easy if one is a believer in arranged marriages. Find a person and then fall in love! In India there has been a shift from arranged marriages to love at first sight, forcing most of us to believe that the trend in London or New York’s Indian community is similar. Not quite. Second generation Asians are tending towards “arranged introductions”, a compromise between the two. Trying to understand this philosophy is Reva Seth, author of First Comes Marriage.
Seth was eight when she first became interested in the subject of arranged marriages; after realising that her parents, unlike those of her friends or the people she saw on TV, had never actually dated. Like most of our parents, they had met twice before tying the knot. In 2000 Seth began interviewing women across Canada, the USA and Europe about their experiences in arranged marriages. What she learned from these interviews formed the backdrop of First Comes Marriage, and in the process helped her to meet her husband. Although not an arranged marriage, the couple met just seven times before becoming engaged. Married for almost five years, the couple has been blessed with a son.
By training Seth is a lawyer but her areas of specialisation includes communication consulting, freelance writing and policy research.
“I was born in Toronto but for several years I lived in a small town in New Jersey, USA, where I was probably the only Indian girl at my school, and certainly the only one among my friends whose parents had had an arranged marriage. This background made me conscious and observant of the arranged marriages that I saw. I was always comparing the couples who had had arranged marriage to those that didn’t since I wanted to see a dramatic difference between the two. But of course I didn’t. Even more confusing was that many of the arranged marriages that I was seeing, seemed quite happy and this seemed to go against everything that movies, television and Western culture were telling me about how love and relationships were supposed to be. This curiosity led to me start speaking to women about their arranged marriages.”
Figures show that arranged marriages have a fraction of the divorce rate of conventional love matches‚ and surprisingly, women in arranged marriages also report being happier and more satisfied with their partners. So what is it that makes these relationships seem to work so much better than modern marriages? “Over a five-year period I spoke to over 300 women about their arranged marriages. The results of my interviews were very surprising. First, the women I spoke with seemed confident, happy and secure in their relationship. Second, the advice and experiences of the women I was speaking with seemed applicable to many of the dating and relationship issues that women I knew (including myself!) were experiencing. It was this that led to the book.”
To make the book a success, friends and family members introduced her to people they thought would be of help. Her e-mails usually received promising responses. “The women I spoke with were actually forthcoming about their relationships and I can’t thank them enough for sharing so much of their lives with me!”
In Seth’s family, obviously, arranged marriages have been a routine affair. “Yes, certainly my grandparents had arranged marriages as did my parents ~ although several of my aunts did not have arranged marriages. But it was seeing these arranged marriages, as well as those of their friends, and my extended family that certainly fired my interest.”
The author feels the approach to arranged marriages is not very different in China, Japan and India. “Although some of the details are different to the culture, they also approach arranged marriages with a strong emphasis on families, common values, culture and community.”
Seth’s enthusiasm on the subject is never waning. Take for example one of her blog posting ~ Forget Sex & the City: What Carrie & Co Need To Do Is Take An Arranged Marriage Approach To Their Relationships ~ that makes for an interesting read: “If Carrie, Charlotte and Miranda (for the moment we’ll leave Samantha out of this) actually wanted to find the commitment, love and relationship happiness they spent all those seasons looking for, what they should have done is look to the arranged marriage model for tips. From learning how to take a more focused approach to dating to actually having realistic expectations from our relationships and partners, arranged marriages can definitely teach us a few lessons on how a slight change in our thinking can lead to big results in our lives.”
The reaction of Westerners to love being a subject of discussion after marriage is almost always that of amazement. “I think this idea that love can grow and be understood is very interesting to people in the West. In comparison to the Hollywood idea of ‘one true love’ and the idea of ‘hoping to find your soulmate’, I think there is actually something quite empowering about this belief.”
Yet, the question is whether more youngsters of Asian origin are shying away from arranged marriages. “I don’t have any statistics but from what I understood during interviews, and reading, more and more second generation Asians are tending towards ‘arranged introductions’, a compromise between the two.”
Since Seth is discussing her future projects with her agent, let’s hope it won’t take five more years to read her next book.